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#22611 - 05/13/03 01:52 PM Joke for the Day
Jalapeņa Offline
Star Member

Registered: 02/20/03
Posts: 1143
Loc: New Mexico
Question: What do you get when you drop a piano on a sergeant?

Answer: A Flat Major

[ 05-13-2003: Message edited by: Jalapeņa ]

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#22612 - 08/09/03 09:19 PM Re: Joke for the Day
John Offline
Star Member

Registered: 03/29/01
Posts: 2454
Loc: Bellingham, WA
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

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#22613 - 08/11/03 04:19 PM Re: Joke for the Day
Jalapeņa Offline
Star Member

Registered: 02/20/03
Posts: 1143
Loc: New Mexico
Grading criteria for music theory test that has 12 questions:

12 correct answers = Genius
10-11 correct answers = Above Normal
7-9 correct answers = Normal
4-6 correct answers = Slow
1-3 correct answers = Need we say more?
0 correct answers = Check for pulse

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#22614 - 08/14/03 04:13 PM Re: Joke for the Day
Jalapeņa Offline
Star Member

Registered: 02/20/03
Posts: 1143
Loc: New Mexico
Seen on a plaque:

"Warning: This job is a test... it is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received bonuses, raises and promotions."

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#22615 - 09/02/03 09:27 AM Re: Joke for the Day
derricklewis Offline
Contributing Member

Registered: 08/21/03
Posts: 15
Loc: Toronto
Mark Twain said Wagner's music "is better than it sounds". :p

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#22616 - 09/12/03 06:54 PM Re: Joke for the Day
Eric Offline
Star Member

Registered: 04/04/00
Posts: 2325
Loc: New York, NY
US Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school. After 15 minutes speaking he says, "I will now answer any questions you have."

Bobby stands up and says: "I have four questions":

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to destroy civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?

Just then the bell goes off and the kids are sent out to play.

Upon returning, Mr. Ashcroft said: "I am sorry we were interrupted. I will answer any questions you have."


A little girl called Julie stands up and says: "I have six questions":

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to destroy civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?
5. Why did the bell ring twenty minutes early?
6. Where is Bobby?

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#22617 - 09/12/03 08:02 PM Re: Joke for the Day
Lisa Kalmar Offline
Star Member

Registered: 04/10/00
Posts: 4277
Loc: KC
\:D \:D \:D \:D \:D \:D \:D

Lisa, who co-inki-dinkily recommends the latest Al Franken book and its many Depends-Inducing Moments for PRONTO reading for A L L ;\)

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#22618 - 09/15/03 11:31 AM Re: Joke for the Day
derricklewis Offline
Contributing Member

Registered: 08/21/03
Posts: 15
Loc: Toronto
Garrison Keillor says, "Many peolpe have musical talent, but not as many as think so."

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#22619 - 09/18/03 04:43 PM Re: Joke for the Day
Jalapeņa Offline
Star Member

Registered: 02/20/03
Posts: 1143
Loc: New Mexico
This is a quote, not a joke, but...

"If I see something sagging, dragging or bagging, I get it sucked, tucked or plucked. It takes a lot of money to look as cheap as I do." (Dolly Parton in People)

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#22620 - 11/09/03 03:29 PM Re: Joke for the Day
Jalapeņa Offline
Star Member

Registered: 02/20/03
Posts: 1143
Loc: New Mexico
British conductor Sir Neville Marriner was leading the Boston Symphony at Tanglewood, in Massachusetts. During the final chords of the program, many concertgoers would leave their seats so they could beat the traffic. When asked by SGBH radio if he was irritated, Marriner reacted with English aplomb. No, he said, he preferred to think that he was being rewarded with "a standing evaculation."

Michael Ryan


Source: "All in a Day's Work," Reader's Digest, November 2003.

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